*Love is a choice. When I first met Nick, I was impressed with him but there was never a moment where I was "knocked off my feet". I knew there was dual interest there, but I had to make a conscious choice to make getting to know him a priority. I am eternally grateful I did! He is the best choice I ever made. It was so fun to reread our love story. It was an exciting time for sure! I'll call that 'exciting love'. Now, we have 'familiar love'. Exciting love is fun and all, but I think I'd prefer the familiar kind. :) I certainly have fallen just a little bit more in love with him every day. He's proved that love over and over (and over and over) again.
*Relationships change. I had a lot of close friends and spent a lot of time with them back in the day. I was surprised at just how much time I spent with friends, because now it seems so sparse - I can go an entire week without really speaking with another adult. I'm grateful that those close friends then are mostly still close friends today, but a good portion of them have drifted out of my life. I'm so grateful that they came into my life and made a difference to me. Also, family relationships change. Back in my single/newly married days I spent a LOT of time with parents, brothers and sisters and their children. Between Nick and I's families, we were with family several times a week. That seems crazy now. I mean, we still enjoy time with family, but we've got our own busy household to run and those relationships have taken backstage to what is going on between the 7 of us. As I was reading, I kept thinking just how grateful I am for the people in my life who have helped me become who I am today.
*Kids change everything. I don't want to sound like a downer here, but I used to have freedom. I could go and do as I pleased with no one to report to. I used to have an identity all my own. And now... yep, not really my own person any more. I wrote in my journal shortly after Ellie was born how frustrated I was that I couldn't just go work outside alongside Nick because I now had a newborn to care for and couldn't just leave. I wrote, "I suppose that is the sacrifice of motherhood." Ha! I wanted to go back and tell the 'me' 11 years ago, "Just wait! You have no idea!" Now, all that said, I wouldn't rather be ANYWHERE ELSE. Being a wife and mother has always been my dream, and I am so grateful to be living it. But I had no idea that it would also create loneliness, frustration, self-doubt, never-ending mess, self-deprecation, not to mention a loss of brain cells. It is a sacrifice well worth making. Kids have also brought more love and depth to my life and have certainly helped me become a better version of myself. Motherhood forces me to face, everyday, the choice to step it up and be better.
*Heavenly Father is in charge. It is interesting to go back and look through my life through the lens of perspective. What was challenging and frustrating to me then has worked it's way out and doesn't even seem to be worth fretting about now. Also, we do not understand the Lord's timing. Back then, there was a problem that I was concerned about and prayed and prayed to know what to do. The answer never seemed clear and kept being put off. Months went by. Still praying and confusion. Then, one day I went to the temple and the answer came to me clear as day. Why not months previous? I don't know, except that I strongly suspect that I had some things to learn during that time. The Lord knows us very well. Looking back, I can see His timing and guidance for Nick and I to meet and marry. I have no doubt He has a very specific plan for me.
If you read through all of that, you deserve a gold star. I'm so grateful for my journals. They prove to me that I am, indeed, day by day, making progress in this life.
A photo of Nick and I, in the midst of 'exciting love':
Some things never change. ;)
